Old & New Stories Around:

“I have an overwhelming, all-consuming drive for results... this is how it is supposed to be for a leader... I don't have time to let the team find their way... Read Full Story >

Old Story:
“I have an overwhelming, all-consuming drive for results, holding myself totally accountable for my company's performance, especially poor performance. And this is how it is supposed to be for a leader. It comes with the territory. My family just doesn't get it! I am ultimately doing all that I do to provide the best for my family which they neither seem to appreciate or accept. They don't understand, especially my wife, that I need the time at home to work through the issues I have in my job. At work, when we are having tough results, I need to jump into the business to understand the issues and direct our course of action to turn things around. I will be the one that ultimately gets asked what we need to be doing to fix the situation. I need to have the answers, which means I don't have time to let the team find their way.”

New story:
“The truth is, I have a neurotic need to be in control at work, especially when the business is not performing well, which undermines the confidence and effectiveness of my team - just when their talent and skills are needed the most. At home, I repeatedly allow myself to become disengaged with my wife and kids and use the demands of my work to justify it. I do little to help my wife achieve her goals and aspirations because mine are seemingly at risk. I have been a lousy spouse and life partner to her by letting my selfishness get in the way of what should be my support of what is important to her. My wife and children mean the world to me and I want to and need to start acting like it. My actions need to convey to them that they are my world. At work, I have lost sight of the importance of working supportively with others, failing to fully develop the team's skill set and not inspiring them to achieve their goals. I have fallen into a command and control style which has resulted in my alienation of all those around me. If I continue on this path, I will lose my wife and family and alienate everyone around me. Going forward, I am going to devote myself to being completely engaged at home, especially with my wife, reigniting our relationship and helping her to pursue her goals. At work, I am going to invest my energy into my direct reports to fully develop their confidence and belief in themselves to inspire them to achieve new heights. In doing this, it will ensure sustained extraordinary performance.”

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“My job requires long hours and much travel... my family gets my energy leftovers... I sacrifice everything for them... they need to be more understanding... Read Full Story >

Old Story:
“My job requires long hours and much travel. My family should be able to understand that I am doing all this for them - providing a home and financial security to allow them to do and have the things I didn't have when I was growing up. When I am home that is the only down time I have, and most times I am just too tired. When I am home and not on the road, my husband and kids should be glad that I am even home at all without making all these demands that they know I am just too tired to meet. I need for them to be more understanding. If they were more patient and understanding, then life at home would be a lot better for all of us. I know my family gets my energy leftovers, but that is all I have got. I sacrifice everything for them, so the least they can do is to let me shut down when I am finally home.”

New story:
“The truth is that working long hours and constantly traveling is no excuse for disengaging with my family when I am home. If I simply would be more disciplined in my eating, sleeping, exercising and drinking. I will have the energy I need to show them how much I care about them as well as allow me to be more patient and understanding when I am with them. When I think about the message I am sending to my husband and kids with my lack of energy and passion, I am both embarrassed and disgusted with myself. The people I care most about get so little of my energy - and when I do give it, it is all too often negative and critical. From this day forward, the people I care most about will get my absolute best energy. I am going to train every day to ensure that I can deliver on this commitment. I am totally committed to this mission.”

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“... my work is all-consuming and I have so little time for myself and my daughters... my direct reports feel I am too demanding and lack compassion... Read Full Story >

Old Story:
“I carry a deep resentment for the fact that my work is all-consuming and I have so little time for myself and for my daughters. I cherish my daughters beyond words. I am envious of all the time my wife has with our two children, her time to work out, socialize with friends and have a great life. I am super critical of her when she doesn't do what I believe she should around the house because I sacrifice so much. I have a similar, but not as lethal, attitude toward my direct reports when they don't work as hard or make the same sacrifices I do. Virtually all my direct reports feel I am too demanding and lack compassion for them. This is not new feedback. I blame my poor health (I am 58 pounds overweight), my shaky marriage, and my demanding attitude at work on the impossible demands of my job. I often find myself thinking 'anyone in my situation would feel and respond the way I do' and 'I am underappreciated by almost everyone'.”

New story:
“The truth is that I am too demanding and lack compassion at home with my wife and at work with my direct reports. If I continue to respond to my wife in my 'victim' mode, divorce is inevitable. It would be my ultimate failure in life were I to lose my marriage and break up my family because I am resentful that my wife has it better than I do. As I write this, it is making me sick. I have lost three valuable people in my department and, deep inside, I know they left because of me. I push people until they are as overwhelmed and unhappy as I am. The truth is, the job is not the problem - I am! My wife is a fabulous mother to my children, is completely devoted to me and deserves so much better from me. I am going to change my sick story and find ways to start investing energy in our relationship in a whole new way. I am also making the commitment to change the way I invest energy with my direct reports. I am holding myself to a whole new standard of respect and compassion for others. I will complete this mission!”

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“... focused on success... to ensure family is financially secure... need time at home to catch-up on work... demands & priorities are more important than personally connecting with staff... Read Full Story >

Old Story:
“I have to be focused on success at work in order to ensure that my family is financially secure and that we can live comfortably. Why can't my husband understand this? If he knew what I faced on a daily basis, he would understand that this is the way it has to be for now. I don't have an 8 to 5 job that I can simply turn off when I get home. I need this time at home to catch up on work, and I especially need the time after the kids go to bed to do the work. I know this frustrates my husband, but I am doing it all for him and the children. At work, business demands and other priorities are more important than personally connecting with my staff. What they see as my being too formal and regimented, I see as being focused on the business and business results. Nine out of ten members of my team are new, which requires significant time to bring them up the learning curve - all the more reason why I cannot let up just yet.”

New story:
“The truth is that in my efforts to personally deliver against business objectives and reinforce my need to achieve, I have lost track of what really counts - connecting with my husband and kids. I have given zero effort to seeing the situation through their eyes. When I tell them how important they are to me, my words must ring a bit hollow, since my behavior isn't always consistent with what I say. If I don't change, I will lose the happy moments I will never be able to recapture. Once a moment passes, it is gone forever. Giving my best and full energy is going to mean I need to do a better job at prioritizing, delegating and taking care of myself, so I have the energy to give. Building a stronger, more effective team at work will require developing a deeper level of personal connectedness with my direct reports and instilling in them a vote of confidence in their abilities no matter how new they are to the team. I need to be making work more rewarding for them and recognizing them for their accomplishments more often. I need to trust and empower them in order for them to grow and feel truly valued.”

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“I work long hours and am the sole provider... working long and hard is a requirement of my roll... my sons will have to get used to it... I am doing the best I can... Read Full Story >

Old Story:
“I work long hours and am the family's sole provider. Working hard and long is a requirement of my role and will have to be something that my sons will have to get used to. I provide them with a spacious home, nice clothes, a private school education and many materialistic things, so for that they should feel fortunate. It is so much more than I got from my Dad when I was growing up. I am raising them to be tough sons who will grow up to be strong men. They have to learn early that life is tough and that things cannot always be what you want them to be. Everything I am doing is for them, and what I am doing is the best that I can do.”

New story:
“The truth is that if I really want to be an extraordinary father, I must start working on it now! If I really care about my sons as I claim, I need to start making space for them in my life. I have used my own childhood with my father as a model for my sons, when deep down I know that this model caused deep pain for me growing up. I have to break this cycle or I am destined to see it repeated with my own sons. I will reorganize and prioritize in order to spend quality time with them. When I am with them I will avoid multitasking, not watch TV while they are talking to me, and not take calls on my cell phone when I am with them. I will be an attentive Dad who is dedicated to their needs - a Dad they will always be proud to call Dad.”

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“My job requires long periods of travel away from home... very little energy for family and social obligations... Read Full Story >

Old Story:
“My job requires long periods of travel away from home. My husband needs to be more helpful with home responsibilities (groceries, cleaning, bills). When I come off the road, I need down time and I am often tired. Sometimes I have very little energy for family and social obligations. I resent that his travel is not as comprehensive as mine. I resent that he plays golf every Friday and it is considered work. In his job that is okay and in mine it is not. I have a tendency to get very hard on myself and expect the same from everyone else at work and in my personal life.”

New story:
“The truth is that the people I care most about are the ones I dump on. I will accept and make peace with my extended periods of travel. I need to create rituals to become more disciplined in my fitness, eating and drinking. This will allow me to have more energy with my husband, family and co-workers. The level and depth of frustration, panic, impatience and multitasking is unacceptable to my family, co-workers and myself. Going forward, starting today, the people I care most about will get my full engagement and my best energy. Daily self-reflection and monitoring will ensure that I can complete this mission.”

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“... my life does not allow any time for myself... exercise time is time I need to spend with family or getting work done... eating right is too difficult... why bother... Read Full Story >

Old Story:
“My life - the way that it is - does not allow any time for myself, and I am okay with that. Exercise time is time that I need to spend with my family or get work done. I don't have the luxury of time to focus on something so selfish. Also, eating right is too difficult - so why even bother? The main thing is that I eat something, anything. The right food is not readily accessible anyway. I have a pretty high metabolism, so it is not a big deal when I don't eat right. Sometimes it just feels good to eat a lot of unhealthy things. It is a huge stress reliever for me.”

New story:
“The truth is that I can make time to do things that are for me, and that will ultimately improve the time I spend and the engagement and impact I have with others. If it is important then I can carve out time for exercise without negatively impacting my family or my work. If I continue to not take care of myself, there is no doubt in my mind that I will self-destruct. I need to make healthy, balanced, non-binge eating a priority and not take my health for granted. From now on, I will view being fit and healthy as priorities that will positively impact all other areas of my life. I will live out an extraordinary life because I will start with myself!”

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“... my demands and expectations are unreasonable... I sacrifice sleep, exercise, nutrition... undermine people's level of enjoyment working for me... Read Full Story >

Old Story:
“My demands and expectations of myself and occasionally others are unreasonable. Anything short of perfection to me is a failure. I want to do everything for everyone, and I always do what I say I will, but it comes at a cost. I sacrifice sleep, exercise, nutrition and sometimes other very basic health and wellness. My feedback is consistent in that I don't take time for myself. I am too hard on myself. My direct report feedback is consistent in that I try to do too much and need to better manage my priorities and commitments. My high demands and sometimes low perceived compassion and openness to discuss things undermine people's level of enjoyment in working for me. My family feels I am engaged at home but also focus too much energy on work and don't transition to home. I am a slave to my PDA systems. For me, it is more important to define success at work and to excel on performance than invest in relationships.”

New story:
“The truth is that for the first 28 years of my life I always had a purpose and goals. My Mom used to gently tease me that I always had a plan. My father consistently pushed me to do more, be smarter, stronger, etc. I learned to accept nothing short of perfection in myself. I have a distinct memory of driving home from winning the interclub tennis championship ten years ago and thinking life was perfect - the kids, work, husband, family - all going according to plan. The next day my grandmother told me she had stage IV breast cancer. The next week we found out one of my daughters needed to have brain surgery. Over the next year, one of my daughters had brain surgery twice, my grandmother died, and two weeks before my second daughter had brain surgery my husband announced he was 'cutting his losses and moving on'. My life plan was devastated and, since that time, I have lived my life like a pinball - bouncing off what makes noise - without a plan. Just trying to be a good Mom and do well at work but with no clear definition of what that means. Having a couple of stormy years is no excuse to abandon my goals, my vision. Having a failed marriage doesn't make me a failure. It makes me sad that I have lost my vision and inner strength. I want my daughters to be happy, healthy, well balanced adults capable of strong long-term relationships. I will be an extraordinary Mom by managing my energy by getting more sleep, exercising regularly and eating strategically. I will do this for myself and to be a visible example for my daughters. I will be an extraordinary manager by being more thoughtful and clear on my work priorities and set a visible example for my direct reports. I will be fully engaged in developing them as people and employees. I will not be so hard on myself. I am committed to my mission and regain the courage to have a plan and the energy I need to be a visible positive example for others and have a lasting impression on their lives.”

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“... cycles of deep disappointments and pain... (married an abusive alcoholic)... divorce... diagnosed with spinal cord tumor... I'm too direct... don't trust those around me... been hurt too much... (if I show weakness, they will think I'm weak)... Read Full Story >

Old Story:
“My adult life has been made up of cycles of deep disappointments and pain. At the age of 17, my father told me he planned to help his two sons go to college - but not me and not my sister. I was deeply hurt. A few years later, I married a man who became an abusive alcoholic. He directed all of his self-hatred toward me. I divorced him after ten years of marriage when our son was five years old. I was just starting to get myself back together when I was diagnosed with a spinal cord tumor. I was told I would be paralyzed for sure without surgery and might still be with surgery. I have worked hard and seemingly overcome these obstacles; I got a B.S. in 1994 and a M.S. in 2001. My ex-husband is deceased - his alcoholism having played a large part in his early death. I can definitely say I survived him. I was even able to set things up so that our son saw him often and had a positive relationship with him. I have had three surgeries for the spinal cord tumor and ten years later I am still walking. I do have losses from the tumor and the surgeries, but I'm not seeing things with anger anymore. People complain because I am too direct. They say I seem oblivious to how I hurt their feelings. Well, I am just being truthful. I never would have been able to get as far as I have if I didn't face the facts. They should too. They need to toughen up. My sister says we are not as close as we used to be. Well, I had to tell her some things she didn't like. If she didn't want my opinion, she shouldn't have asked for it. I don't trust those around me because I can't. I have been hurt too much. I can't show any weakness or they will think I am weak. I have to keep my feelings to myself. I mistrust leaders and authority because some have failed me and hurt me in the past.”

New story:
“The truth is that my old sick story is causing me to hurt those I care the most about. I present myself as an open, honest, caring person - well, this is only partly true. I can show more compassion and caring to those I care less about than I can to those I care the most about. My relationships with family, friends and co-workers are dying because I am either choking them or starving them. I am hurting them and I am hurting myself. From now on, I am going to share my story wherever an opening comes up. I am going to trust my co-workers with my feelings and my story. And for my family and friends, I am committing to spending more of my time and energy with them. I will stop cutting them off, cutting them down and holding them at arm's length. I will protect and honor them and their feelings. I will use my best energy with my direct reports and my immediate work group. I will find time and ways to engage on an emotional level, supporting and guiding them to their best contribution for our shared goals.”

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“I don't have enough time and I can't do everything... doing my absolute best... I don't feel that I make time for myself and when I do I feel guilty... Read Full Story >

Old Story:
“I don't have enough time and can't do everything. There are only 24 hours in the day and I am doing my absolute best. I try to keep up with the kids, their interests and their lives, but always seem to be one step behind. I don't know how others do it. I don't feel that I make time for myself and when I do I feel guilty. I am very hard on myself and question myself at every turn. I think my mind and body are showing signs of 'wear and tear' and I need to respond quickly.”

New story:
“The truth is that my husband and children are the most precious gifts in my life. My family deserves more. I want them to know the wife and mother that I am capable of being - through not only my words but also my actions. Over the coming years, the memories we create together as a family will last a lifetime for each one of us. I want my daughter to have fond memories of our specials times - our 'girl time' - talking, laughing, being silly. I want my son to just blossom from this amazing little boy to a very special young man, and know that I was even a small part of his success. I want my husband to be proud of the partnership and sense of family that we have built together. And for me? At the end of the road I want to know in my heart and soul that I gave my absolute best to my family - no regrets, no excuses, no guilt - only joy. To this end, I commit to being fully engaged and 'present' with my family so that they are recipients of my best, extraordinary energy. I will also work hard to rebuild my strength through recovery and renewal, as this is key for sustaining my energy. I am fully committed to this as a new mission in my life. And I will succeed. I will 'light it up'!”

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“... I want it all, and I want to do it perfectly... I am often impatient... getting the task done is more important than relationships... Read Full Story >

Old Story:
“I run from task to task, trying desperately to get it all done, and I normally do. I want it all, and I want to do it perfectly. I pedal and pedal as fast as I can. I understand things very quickly and draw fast conclusions and develop ideas rapidly. I expect others to 'catch on' just as quickly and I am often impatient when they don't. I don't tolerate it well when people seem lazy or incompetent. I focus hard on getting the task done, which is usually more important to me than the relationships along the way. I have done okay up to now, so things must be okay. If I don't change much, everything will be okay. I will just keep working hard and it will all work out.”

New story:
“The truth is that I haven't cared enough about my relationships with my reports and family. I have often been too demanding and lacking compassion, too critical and not supportive enough, and too impatient and reactionary . I am hurting people. I have not invested, truly invested, in improving myself in ways that would make me an awesome father, husband and boss. Things are okay but should be much better. I am not extraordinary YET! I am changing myself. I will be fully engaged with my family members and employees. I will train daily to ensure I successfully complete this mission. I am going to be outstanding, I am going to 'light it up'!”

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“... I deserve recognition and praise... there is something wrong with other people... I cannot do more than I am doing now... Read Full Story >

Old Story:
“I am confident, capable and successful. I deserve recognition and praise simply because of who I am and what I have done. I have made the investment in the past and am due the credit now and going forward. If that is not happening, it is because there is something wrong with the other people. They obviously don't understand. It is theirs to fix, not mine - they have work to do. If the others would just get it right, they would see it my way. Then I would get the recognition and praise I deserve. I cannot do more than what I am doing now.”

New story:
“The truth is that if I don't start investing more energy in my marriage, I will lose the best thing that has ever happened in my life. I have always said your world is a reflection of yourself. Well, now is the time to prove it beyond reproach. I am burning the ships behind me, there is no turning back. I have not invested my best energy into the relationship with the most important person in my life - my wife. Not even close. The relationship is dying. I am sick about it. It drains life out of me every day. I am abandoning my naive and immature attitude of the past that has kept me from delivering the proper energy. I will become extraordinary with my wife to invest for growth to gain a true life partner. Because of this, my marriage will flourish beyond my wildest dreams and we will share a long, happy and fulfilling life together. I am absolutely committed to this mission.”

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I was against a player I had never lost to... I started double faulting... it was a massive choke... I've choked away many matches since then... the fun in tennis is gone...

Read Full Story >

Old Story:
I was serving at 5-2 in the third against a player I had never lost to. Out of nowhere I started double faulting. I've always had a reliable second serve. Before I knew it, the score was 5 all and I lost the match in a tie-breaker. It was a massive choke. That's when it all began. I've choked away so many matches since then. I can almost count on it, when the points really start to matter, I start double faulting and the match slips away . the fun in tennis has gone for me.”

New story:
The truth is I've had so many competitive problems over the last six months because I still have lots to learn mentally and emotionally. All too often I'm my own worst enemy. I repeatedly give my energy to the wrong things like double faulting, choking and frustration. I'm always over-exaggerating the negative consequences of everything. If I want to be poised, confident, positive and relaxed that's where I have to invest my energy on a consistent basis. The truth is that tennis has been great for me because it always exposes my weaknesses and pushes me to get better. I'm going to use this current crisis to confront my weakness and begin to build new strengths I've needed for a long time. I'm going to get my mental toughness back but this time it will be on much more solid ground. This is important for me in both my tennis and personal life. I will work on this every day and I will be successful. I know this is going to be difficult but I'm willing to do whatever necessary to take my toughness to the next level.”

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